Tired of never being right.
Sick of pulling the weight of
everyone here.
Angry that my family
is last place in our own home.
Feeling like I'm covered in
leeches, sucking me dry of all
inspiration, happiness, money
sanity.
Huge choices to be made
do we stay in this new family
group, move together to a larger
place? Do we send them on thier
way...and duke things out the best
we can?
Can we accomplish those things
we desire without compromising
our living needs?

I've been working so hard
ignored and dejected
the children won't listen,
money grows tighter
hope wears thin, Another
boy to be born before
autumn sets in.

Home Again

He's home again
how long is unknown
feeling disbelief at his voice
on the cell phone of the step-mother
he's home again

Finished policing in the desert
land for now
will he be sent back?
Welcome home
we're so glad you're home
safe and sound
we're able to hope.

The children too small
still to understand
the uncle had to raise a gun
the uncle had to kill
protecting the lives of others
driving miles in a humvee
with a dead friend beside him
covered in blood

He's home again
for how long?
We'll see him soon
he said. In a week or
two we'll see him
and he will be real
again. Like the horrible
letters, that forced
held back tears to
come forth, present themselves
fear for his life no longer
pray he will not be sent back
to that hell.

One, Three, Five, Seven
the hours I awoke
from rest, sleep
is escaping me.
Pregnancy is showing through
it means it's almost over
I've got Four months left
before he's born
We'll be a family of Five then.
On the first Mother-in-Law is set
to arrive, in Vermont or Fort Sumter.
Indecision, unrest
unreliable woman, talking to the
family enemy woman.
Brother in law and neice
are staying somewhere different tonight
relief is drenching. I'd be drowning in it
If the husband didn't have to work tonight
it would be just our little family
together, enjoying the rediscovered
ten foot space that we have been
deprived of.

Sickness, tearing my throat
biting my nose, cleaning my lungs.
Making me tired
I wish to be numb, asleep
for an end to the constant
blowing and coughing.
Two days, three days
four days or more
until this sickness plagues me
no longer.

I am hoping to put an end to this mess
I can't do it alone,
Now my kids are getting threats
from unknown people.

We moved away from all the trouble
the violence, moved towards hope.
Here there was little violence,
money and friends to be made

Then we encouraged our family
to join us here, a brother and his girl
If I had known what trouble all of this
would be, I would have said forget it
and let things be.

Working now on having
baby number three,
Helping out the brother
is wearing on me.

Soon it will be over
far away the light I see
our troubles will be lessened
when our children number three.

I'm beginning to think
there is no end
to the trouble in my pocket.

I'm beginning to think
I cannot mend
a child's broken heart

I've been working so hard
losing my mind, creativity
drowns me, and I feel
I'm fading away

fading into the distance
into the background
of the big picture
looking for something
to make me unique
looking for something
to give me a beat.

WOOO HOOOO!!!! I had my ultra-sound yesterday, and they told me it'll be a boy. I thought it would be, but a girl never knows for sure. Thinking about a baby shower, since we got rid of all our baby stuff (aside from clothes) when we moved out of our last place.


A little boy
I thought it would be
the cravings and
the way the baby
was carrying,
it couldn't be a girl.

I saw his face
on the ultra sound
a very strange experience.
Almost looked like Casper
the friendly ghost.

The video tape they
made for me, the kids
went nuts to watch it.
All excited about a new
brother, they'll wait
til he's born to meet him.

The snow is falling, deeper deeper
burying the world in a temporary quiet
lasting not but one day.

For that one day, the world will be
peaceful, quiet fun
The kids will scream and run
sledding down an imaginary hill

I sit and wait for spring to come
no more snow, I want to play
to walk to the park to play with
friends, then comes summer
we'll play some more,
when autumn comes we'll rake the
leaves, and jump on the
imagined monsters.

Once again comes winter,
the snowy, icy winter
And I will sit and wait for spring.

Stress is growing
brother phoning
from the sandy war zone
telling tales of racing
hum-vees through the desert

possible mine field,
come back when it's
known to be safe.
Don't bring the kids with you
especially the boy, don't want
them anywhere near the Army
he tells me.

It's 6am here, what time
in Najaf? Remote control
car got him in trouble, made
people angry, but the kids
there chased it around
had fun.

Can't wait for the brother
to be home safe. Can't wait
to be sure he's ok.
Hoping that the other
brother will grow up

30 Words

I'm drunk as hell
and sleep I fight as
30 words I try to
write

Tortilla chips
stuck in my teeth
I want to eat more
but I'd rather sleep.

looks like I've
gone over the limit
30 words,
I'm too involved
I want to write
all my thoughts

my neice is talking
in the hall
"NO"
she says "Nope!"

One last smoke before I sleep
one more nicotine fix
to calm my nerves
to help me rest

One more smoke before I wake
one more drag to smooth the day
one more hour before the kids

When will I stop with this horrible
habit, ripping at me,
making me weak

good night

Late at night
he's still not back.
I'll kill him when I see him

It's morning and the kids are
awake, still not back.
His daughter is up, he's not here
I'll kill him when he walks in here.

The phone rings
he's been put in Detox
I don't know what happened

Hubby went to pick him up
It was like it was a joke
His car has been impounded

Alcohol and stupidity
Strike again.

Isn't it strange watching people today
Common sense nonsense
the meaning is lost on youth

well, I've been really caught up in the Paper Doll Stories lately, and it seems to be turning out quite well to be honest. Of course, we're still working on the notes, but we're making progress. If you haven't already checked it out you should, it can get quite confusing, but they're notes still. I think it's quite interesting. Sort of a sci-fi thing, but much more than that also. here's a link to the Paper Doll Stories

sleepy, wanting my bed
first time I've slept on my back
last night, the best sleep yet
never wanting it to end
yet time to wake up

Children are trouble
getting into things
they shouldn't
it's time to get up

I confess that I
have fallen in love,
and hope never
to fall out of it.
Finally I have found
the one, the man I'll
be with forever, whose
children I will give birth to
and raise them together with.
Behind me I will put my sins,
as ancient history.
Every day I wish he was
with me to wake up with,
and hug and kiss. In
only one week I knew for sure
when we went to Geneseo
drinking, I had found
the perfect guy.

6\4\99

So easily you held me
while salt ran down my face
I look into eyes as deep
as wonderland when Alice
ventured there. So easily,
the daisies bloom, innocent
sweet and fragile too.
The truth of my heart
is a daisy, gloriously in bloom.

Avon

Grass pricks my
skin as I lay in
the circular park
under an oak tree
trying to be a
christmas decoration
at the end of May.