Sunday, May 23, 2004

Moving Day is drawing nearer
leaving a beautiful place
due to those who followed us here

Hoping all will be okay
praying things will work out fine
in Arizona when we get there

In the in-between we'll be in
New York, saving up money
and gathering hope

Warm weather ahead, blue skies
and a baby. We've been given
no credit for work we've done

In the search for a home in good old VT
and so we head back home to NY state
and plan ahead for ourselves and our
children.

Monday, May 10, 2004

Tired of never being right.
Sick of pulling the weight of
everyone here.
Angry that my family
is last place in our own home.
Feeling like I'm covered in
leeches, sucking me dry of all
inspiration, happiness, money
sanity.
Huge choices to be made
do we stay in this new family
group, move together to a larger
place? Do we send them on thier
way...and duke things out the best
we can?
Can we accomplish those things
we desire without compromising
our living needs?

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I've been working so hard
ignored and dejected
the children won't listen,
money grows tighter
hope wears thin, Another
boy to be born before
autumn sets in.

Friday, April 02, 2004

Home Again

He's home again
how long is unknown
feeling disbelief at his voice
on the cell phone of the step-mother
he's home again

Finished policing in the desert
land for now
will he be sent back?
Welcome home
we're so glad you're home
safe and sound
we're able to hope.

The children too small
still to understand
the uncle had to raise a gun
the uncle had to kill
protecting the lives of others
driving miles in a humvee
with a dead friend beside him
covered in blood

He's home again
for how long?
We'll see him soon
he said. In a week or
two we'll see him
and he will be real
again. Like the horrible
letters, that forced
held back tears to
come forth, present themselves
fear for his life no longer
pray he will not be sent back
to that hell.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

One, Three, Five, Seven
the hours I awoke
from rest, sleep
is escaping me.
Pregnancy is showing through
it means it's almost over
I've got Four months left
before he's born
We'll be a family of Five then.
On the first Mother-in-Law is set
to arrive, in Vermont or Fort Sumter.
Indecision, unrest
unreliable woman, talking to the
family enemy woman.
Brother in law and neice
are staying somewhere different tonight
relief is drenching. I'd be drowning in it
If the husband didn't have to work tonight
it would be just our little family
together, enjoying the rediscovered
ten foot space that we have been
deprived of.

Friday, March 26, 2004

Sickness, tearing my throat
biting my nose, cleaning my lungs.
Making me tired
I wish to be numb, asleep
for an end to the constant
blowing and coughing.
Two days, three days
four days or more
until this sickness plagues me
no longer.

Friday, March 05, 2004

I am hoping to put an end to this mess
I can't do it alone,
Now my kids are getting threats
from unknown people.

We moved away from all the trouble
the violence, moved towards hope.
Here there was little violence,
money and friends to be made

Then we encouraged our family
to join us here, a brother and his girl
If I had known what trouble all of this
would be, I would have said forget it
and let things be.

Working now on having
baby number three,
Helping out the brother
is wearing on me.

Soon it will be over
far away the light I see
our troubles will be lessened
when our children number three.
I'm beginning to think
there is no end
to the trouble in my pocket.

I'm beginning to think
I cannot mend
a child's broken heart

Thursday, February 26, 2004

I've been working so hard
losing my mind, creativity
drowns me, and I feel
I'm fading away

fading into the distance
into the background
of the big picture
looking for something
to make me unique
looking for something
to give me a beat.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

WOOO HOOOO!!!! I had my ultra-sound yesterday, and they told me it'll be a boy. I thought it would be, but a girl never knows for sure. Thinking about a baby shower, since we got rid of all our baby stuff (aside from clothes) when we moved out of our last place.


A little boy
I thought it would be
the cravings and
the way the baby
was carrying,
it couldn't be a girl.

I saw his face
on the ultra sound
a very strange experience.
Almost looked like Casper
the friendly ghost.

The video tape they
made for me, the kids
went nuts to watch it.
All excited about a new
brother, they'll wait
til he's born to meet him.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

The snow is falling, deeper deeper
burying the world in a temporary quiet
lasting not but one day.

For that one day, the world will be
peaceful, quiet fun
The kids will scream and run
sledding down an imaginary hill

I sit and wait for spring to come
no more snow, I want to play
to walk to the park to play with
friends, then comes summer
we'll play some more,
when autumn comes we'll rake the
leaves, and jump on the
imagined monsters.

Once again comes winter,
the snowy, icy winter
And I will sit and wait for spring.

Monday, February 16, 2004

Stress is growing
brother phoning
from the sandy war zone
telling tales of racing
hum-vees through the desert

possible mine field,
come back when it's
known to be safe.
Don't bring the kids with you
especially the boy, don't want
them anywhere near the Army
he tells me.

It's 6am here, what time
in Najaf? Remote control
car got him in trouble, made
people angry, but the kids
there chased it around
had fun.

Can't wait for the brother
to be home safe. Can't wait
to be sure he's ok.
Hoping that the other
brother will grow up

Saturday, February 14, 2004

30 Words

I'm drunk as hell
and sleep I fight as
30 words I try to
write

Tortilla chips
stuck in my teeth
I want to eat more
but I'd rather sleep.

looks like I've
gone over the limit
30 words,
I'm too involved
I want to write
all my thoughts

my neice is talking
in the hall
"NO"
she says "Nope!"

Thursday, February 12, 2004

One last smoke before I sleep
one more nicotine fix
to calm my nerves
to help me rest

One more smoke before I wake
one more drag to smooth the day
one more hour before the kids

When will I stop with this horrible
habit, ripping at me,
making me weak

good night

Monday, February 09, 2004

Late at night
he's still not back.
I'll kill him when I see him

It's morning and the kids are
awake, still not back.
His daughter is up, he's not here
I'll kill him when he walks in here.

The phone rings
he's been put in Detox
I don't know what happened

Hubby went to pick him up
It was like it was a joke
His car has been impounded

Alcohol and stupidity
Strike again.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Isn't it strange watching people today
Common sense nonsense
the meaning is lost on youth

Saturday, February 07, 2004

well, I've been really caught up in the Paper Doll Stories lately, and it seems to be turning out quite well to be honest. Of course, we're still working on the notes, but we're making progress. If you haven't already checked it out you should, it can get quite confusing, but they're notes still. I think it's quite interesting. Sort of a sci-fi thing, but much more than that also. here's a link to the Paper Doll Stories

Friday, February 06, 2004

sleepy, wanting my bed
first time I've slept on my back
last night, the best sleep yet
never wanting it to end
yet time to wake up

Children are trouble
getting into things
they shouldn't
it's time to get up

Monday, February 02, 2004

I confess that I
have fallen in love,
and hope never
to fall out of it.
Finally I have found
the one, the man I'll
be with forever, whose
children I will give birth to
and raise them together with.
Behind me I will put my sins,
as ancient history.
Every day I wish he was
with me to wake up with,
and hug and kiss. In
only one week I knew for sure
when we went to Geneseo
drinking, I had found
the perfect guy.
6\4\99

So easily you held me
while salt ran down my face
I look into eyes as deep
as wonderland when Alice
ventured there. So easily,
the daisies bloom, innocent
sweet and fragile too.
The truth of my heart
is a daisy, gloriously in bloom.
Avon

Grass pricks my
skin as I lay in
the circular park
under an oak tree
trying to be a
christmas decoration
at the end of May.
Hendrix in my ears
Soft silky breeze
covers my face
I gaze at my surrpundings
and this is what I see
layered geletin, with one
white berry near the center
The bowl it's carried in
is covered with green cheese
swiss in origin many paths
drawn on it by all the mice
which live there.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Stabbed in the center
of my custard filled heart
with a spoon
I watch he scoop
out ceamy custard
and eat it in my face

I am delirious from
the pain she caused
begin to see candles
lit and burning everywhee
aromatherapy meant
to calm my nerves
end the pain
and she orders the scent
to bury me inside myself
written may 6, 1999

Graceland is a memory
of new and old and in-between
mellow rain and thoughtless
deepness; inner being
water flowing under trees;
sickness, health, maternity
Leaving, new nest building;
old egg hatching,
kitchen rat cat; back scratching
tenderness in higher places;
nailpolish fade-away cream saves
world peace.
Look for a sign that times are changing without your knowledge
Lions everywhere catching prey and scents on air
Fear filled shadows needing comfort from the hiding signs
End the pain
Begin the life
Begin thinking about growing up
Can someone decorate my life with love, tenderness and care? Where do I find such an Angel when I feel I may stick in this wretched place I now call home? Will it not be wretched everywhee, until I find my love? Am I so pathetic all I write about is my joys and sorrows, and my echoing wish to be free? Yes, and I do care, but cannot yield to write what will not find itself in my heart, as truly meaningful.

(I did find him, I married him, and I wouldn't change a thing)
The world I see has changed so drastically in this town. People who I thought I knew drugs run this place in my face my friends aren't who they used to be. Loyalty no longer stands, I feel a sort of grief at what is going on, at how I feel my youth is through, 19 yeas and after only one, I feel there is no point in partying each night, at all even I want to break ties with these people but for a few, how can this be the end?
As I walked out into the glow eminating from the moon and stars which hang gently feather light from invisible threads telling every little thing touched by the glow, a different message, telling me life goes on, always changing. Experience things as they come, not passing judgement, but trying to find a lesson in each mishap, each breath; before it's over.
I've found in my notebook, a quote that has stuck with me for ages.
"If there is ever any doubt, there is no doubt." I believe it came from the movie 'Ronin'
As these words pour
Out of my soul I
Realize that without
This outlet the
Journey to self-discovery
Could never occur,
And I thank my creators
Who gave me this
Privledge, to help me
Find the hidden one
Deep inside and move on
From self-pity to
Self-actualization.
I decided to get some stuff I have collected on paper, and post it up here, if people have ideas for how to make it better or what-not; then I welcome any help.

I confess it was I who
Lied to your face
Spit in your eye
And mocked your shadow
While you walked away
Tears running down
Your precious silhouette
My heart is filled with
Obnoxious guilt
Ripping apart my soul
And I pray that you
Will understand how
Necessary these wrongs
Were, That without them
You would not have
Survived the harsh winter
Deep inside me

Saturday, January 31, 2004

Sleep
the ever elusive
confining
renewing and dark
safe and yet not
consciousness meets
the subconscious
revealing needs
desires, fears
and stresses.
Like writing yet easier
requiring no
effort to dream.
Waiting at the computer
the humming and pulsing
from the basement grows louder
as the washing machine
does it's work.

I begin to wonder
about the inner workings
of life, and appliances
even face powder
how does it really work?
Anger
a child flies across a room
on behalf of an angry father
she rolls on landing
crying; the father stands up

He lifts her by her wrists
drags her to their room.
Minutes pass,
she comes back out

Red mark on her chin
her cousin yells
at the father
for giving her cousin
a red chin.

Friday, January 30, 2004

Someday the fighting will cease
the headaches will end
sanity increase

The children will leave
we will get lonely

Grandchildren born
the family grows

One day we die
the last day ever
no longer above,
but below that we lie

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Exhaustion fills my head
as the day comes to an end.
So much has been done,
and so much more yet to do.
Soon will come dinner, and bedtime
with you.
I need to learn how to write in a way that isn't so much like the way I do it now... Maybe if someone reads this, they could take a look at what I've already written, and rewrite it in another way...give me some perspective on things... I'm tired of open ended nonsense as a way of writing!

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

I finally did it! what do you think....I personally am pretty darn happy with it...if only I could find where I saw how to use a backgound image..I'd be all set I think, at least for now; we all know that this Rotten Totten likes to change things frequently!
Well, got rid of the orange...now to tackle the subheader...It's no good if you can't read it! Lets see if we can figure it out before hell freezes over!
Well it appears that there is much work to be done here, and much code to be figured out...when the band of orange at the top is gone, I've succeeded with my current goal...which would be to get rid of it, or change it at least!

It seems that I should follow the crowd and make a list of crap from the past year, but this isn't where I'd do it anyhow, so we'll just leave that up to everyone else! On with the show!!!!

A wandering soul have I become, leaving in my sleep, flying above the swirling wind.
I dream of things to be, things which have been before,


and that's about it for that one!!!

oh well, guess it's time to work on the template again...wish me luck!
Another day dawns and hope grows colder
every 10 minutes another dead soldier.
The dollars we worked so hard for
grabbed away by a swinging door.

Inside there is a child growing
kicking at my insides
pinching every nerve.
Still the hope is draining me
seeping through the cracks.

Inside a storm is going
tearing at my soul
Some people say don't fight
My heart is screaming WAR.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Find the most inner thought you have, search, search, meditate, breathe. Light candles, incense, more candles, think. Run a bath, add salts and beads, light candles, candles, candles, breathe.

(It's only a start, but this is one which I will definately come back to later)
So I'm figuring this out, maybe I will retain some html information to carry forward to RTM! or maybe not. All depends on how much I retain I guess.
It works, it works, they're playing nicely. Quietly? I think not, the pitter patter banging of toy horses fills my ears, and I feel the urge to strangle but their faces are too precious, the kisses and the hugs; the cooing and the fighting. What a wonder of the world that parents are sane, or most are anyways. Looking ahead will make one wonder; how will I react? Dating? Working? Driving? Drugs? Who knows I wonder, only time will tell.

(I don't like it either! So maybe I'll work on it again later!)