Kindle Haiku

Drowning in a sea of words
Freed from reality
Death by awful editing

The name change seems timely... It just didn't make sense to say "Without Reason" when referring to my thoughts! There is always a reason, sometimes it's just harder to figure out what it is.

I got into the "elite" Beta of Google+ this week, and I think I am in love! There are no time wasting games, easy access to news on topics I'm interested in (They call it "Sparks") and you can save topics to a list for easy access. It is free from mind-numbing stupidity still, and I hope it stays that way! Unlike Facebook (which has it's own Google+ profile btw) you can divide up your "friends" into groups, and decide which groups you want to share your posts with, have group discussions/chats, share +1's (recommend websites w/ 1 click) and so much more. I think it's biggest advantage (outside of just being new) over Facebook, is going to be the simplicity of organizing people into groups for networking and oh so many other purposes.

In my quest to be a more positive person, I have decided that rather than dwell on people who choose not to be part of my life I am going to LIVE my life. I managed to free myself from several long held illusions of what things should be like, and am definitely happier because of it. I have always been willing to help a friend in need; but at some point I expect the same in return. For a long time I struggled with the idea that the majority of my friends were people whom I met through my husband; and not the "friends" I grew up with. I've outgrown that issue now, and have refocused on getting to know people who live in our area; and maybe participate in the same outdoor activities we do. Other parents, either those whose children who are already friends with ours, or those who our kids interact with through wrestling, school, or the summer rec. program in town. Sorting out the class from the trash has been pretty easy, at least where some are concerned; like the girls who decided that ganging up on one of my kids (3 against 1) and kicking them, or a 5th grader punching a 1st grader in the balls was acceptable. That was a no brainer right there!

We have many many things to think about, like one of our children; who met the diagnosis requirements for Aspergers, but now that we've gotten that far, he is showing signs that perhaps we were wrong about what was causing his odd behaviors, he will repeat 4th grade in the fall. We decided that he was not on par with where he needed to be to move on to middle school, lacking organizational skills, reading comprehension skills (not even close to being 5th grade level), and beginning to lose ground in math because he cannot understand word problems as normal kids do. We regret how long it has taken us to come to this decision, we didn't realize there was an underlying factor to why he was performing inconsistantly at the time, and thought that if we pushed him harder, he could do better.

As far as this morning goes, I must be off; lots to do, and not a ton of time to get it done!

Gushing with eagerness;
unable to please them
wanting to be close; but pushing away

The balance between self and others
unfathomable in my mind.
Anxiety and paranoia surrounding me
whilst I attempt to feel like I belong

to something bigger; a group;
a cause. Seeking meaning and purpose
obsessing over what I see as my failures
rarely seeing my successes outside of a
gradebook.

There is no gradebook for life.

Swirling darkness, swirling, gushing
wait! A light over there!
Love swirling into the darkness
changing it from black to mellow navy blue

That shadow; it's a point of view
a friend pointing from me to you.
How can it be I did not see?
Unfathomable what you have seen;
unimaginable that you survived.


Rethinking the swirling navy blue,
it's growing lighter, changing again.
Bright purple now, with silver flecks
We come from opposite circumstance,
joined together to complete each other
Everything will be okay, and now I understand
again, all I had forgotten.

I should apologize for anything nasty I have said here, I realize that someone may have read this, and been offended, which was not intended, I just need to vent sometimes. I have too much to be happy about to be negative any longer. So my new mantra: Negativity Gone

Where the sun shines I will laugh,
where the fish swim I will sing,
where birds sleep I will play
where friends are real
where love is true
I am with you, I am in you
we are together always

I would like to know what happened to my friends? Karen, Staci, Teresa, Jessi, Amanda? I thought I had made friends for life with at least a couple of you... Karen, do you really sit at home and get fat? Do you ever do anything physical...? I invited you to a birthday party for my little girl, thinking that I wanted my kids to know my friends as well as their fathers Friends. You couldn't even apologize for missing it!!! Jessi, I understand that you have been in a difficult situation, and you have little ones, what I don't understand is what happened between the last time I saw you and now... I repeat I wanted my friends to be part of my childrens lives. Staci, Once again, you have kids too, I understand it's hard to keep in touch, but you approached me at the store, not the other way around! Teresa, you had kids before I did, but how about we start meaning what we say to each other people?
Amanda. I went out of my way to try and hang out and what not after we moved back to the area... You led me on, and then ignored me. If you have a problem with Frank, or someone else I'm friends with that's fine, but just so you know, we were out of state for 4 years, and that was the first time we'd seen Frank in about 6 years, in fact.

How about this, you can all kiss my rear-end. I have done nothing but try to balance and include my friends in my life. Instead, I have found that people like my husbands friends: Frank, Korey, Mike, Bob, Jay... There are more but I don't have time to list them. They've been better friends to me, and nearly like family to my children, when you guys just forgot about me. If you would like to be included in my extended family, act like it. It's not like I didn't try to invite you.

Let's clarify something, my kids do not in any way shape or form resemble "pets" They are beautiful, sweet children. Unlike "well-trained" and her husband over at myspace.com, I know who my children's biological father is, I married him. I would never go into court and tell a judge that I want nothing more to do with them. I don't put up a front like I'm a friend if I'm not, I don't take the toys of my neice and hide them in my closet because they bother me. I don't get dressed up like a prostitute to take my kids to the park. I don't have any bench warrents in any state. My family didn't raise a slutty selfish drop-out.

I have lost my touch. I sat down here to write something, and nothing
came out, or rather it came out all wrong. I suppose that I'll have to start making time for writing again. September will make it easier, Robert will be in Kindergarten, Jordan will be in first grade, and then it'll be back to two at home again. It even looks like we'll be buying a home in the next year or so.
Things are gradually getting better, slowly but surely.

Well well well, guess who's all done having kids? That's right it's me. With our final child Porter Owen born in January, we have closed the pregnancy and child birth chapter of our life together with a terrifyingly epidural-free three hour labor followed the next day by a tubal ligation. And so now we are the proud parents of Jordan, Robert, Donald, and Porter. I am well on my way to losing my sanity.

Oh well my life is starting over
Didn't realize how long it'd take
Should have known it would
Be hard. Planned it out but
Damned if we didn't change our minds.

I should have figured that everyone would quit! I have not heard from anyone previously involved with RTM, or at least I haven't gotten any submissions from any of them! Kare Bear did grace us with a post in OCTOBER!!! Now, I have reasons for not being here, I've lost my cable internet connection, given birth to a beautiful little boy, and moved back to NY, no not permanently. As far as I know, everyone else is just sitting on thier ass being lazy. Oh yea, I also have my own business now... and when I find the money to do something with it that will blow up my bank account...( I hope) . If nothing else I will have learned some valuable life lessons in the process!!!

So anyways, TALK TO ME!!

Moving Day is drawing nearer
leaving a beautiful place
due to those who followed us here

Hoping all will be okay
praying things will work out fine
in Arizona when we get there

In the in-between we'll be in
New York, saving up money
and gathering hope

Warm weather ahead, blue skies
and a baby. We've been given
no credit for work we've done

In the search for a home in good old VT
and so we head back home to NY state
and plan ahead for ourselves and our
children.

Tired of never being right.
Sick of pulling the weight of
everyone here.
Angry that my family
is last place in our own home.
Feeling like I'm covered in
leeches, sucking me dry of all
inspiration, happiness, money
sanity.
Huge choices to be made
do we stay in this new family
group, move together to a larger
place? Do we send them on thier
way...and duke things out the best
we can?
Can we accomplish those things
we desire without compromising
our living needs?

I've been working so hard
ignored and dejected
the children won't listen,
money grows tighter
hope wears thin, Another
boy to be born before
autumn sets in.

Home Again

He's home again
how long is unknown
feeling disbelief at his voice
on the cell phone of the step-mother
he's home again

Finished policing in the desert
land for now
will he be sent back?
Welcome home
we're so glad you're home
safe and sound
we're able to hope.

The children too small
still to understand
the uncle had to raise a gun
the uncle had to kill
protecting the lives of others
driving miles in a humvee
with a dead friend beside him
covered in blood

He's home again
for how long?
We'll see him soon
he said. In a week or
two we'll see him
and he will be real
again. Like the horrible
letters, that forced
held back tears to
come forth, present themselves
fear for his life no longer
pray he will not be sent back
to that hell.

One, Three, Five, Seven
the hours I awoke
from rest, sleep
is escaping me.
Pregnancy is showing through
it means it's almost over
I've got Four months left
before he's born
We'll be a family of Five then.
On the first Mother-in-Law is set
to arrive, in Vermont or Fort Sumter.
Indecision, unrest
unreliable woman, talking to the
family enemy woman.
Brother in law and neice
are staying somewhere different tonight
relief is drenching. I'd be drowning in it
If the husband didn't have to work tonight
it would be just our little family
together, enjoying the rediscovered
ten foot space that we have been
deprived of.

Sickness, tearing my throat
biting my nose, cleaning my lungs.
Making me tired
I wish to be numb, asleep
for an end to the constant
blowing and coughing.
Two days, three days
four days or more
until this sickness plagues me
no longer.

I am hoping to put an end to this mess
I can't do it alone,
Now my kids are getting threats
from unknown people.

We moved away from all the trouble
the violence, moved towards hope.
Here there was little violence,
money and friends to be made

Then we encouraged our family
to join us here, a brother and his girl
If I had known what trouble all of this
would be, I would have said forget it
and let things be.

Working now on having
baby number three,
Helping out the brother
is wearing on me.

Soon it will be over
far away the light I see
our troubles will be lessened
when our children number three.

I'm beginning to think
there is no end
to the trouble in my pocket.

I'm beginning to think
I cannot mend
a child's broken heart